Sociological studies show that Grandparents can play an important role in the emotional wellbeing of their Grandchildren. What are the benefits for families who prioritize the grandparent – grandchild relationship?
Prof Dap Louw from the Department of Psychology at the University of the Free State, argues that EQ is at the heart of this debate. Emotional Intelligence in children gets a significant boost when extended families provide that extra safe space of belonging. He defines Emotional Intelligence as “the ability to understand and manage my own emotions as well as to recognise it in others.”
The benefits of a high EQ has been explored in quite a few recent studies, Prof Louw says, and the result supports the idea that children with good emotional intelligence in most cases grow up to be successful adults. But how can having a great relationship with my Grandparents, have such a major effect?
They observe:
By modeling positive social behavior, grandparents show their grandchildren how it’s done. While parents are in a season of managing life, keeping all the delicate glass balls in the air while influenced by everyday deadlines and stressors, calm Grandparents can display a more mindful approach to relationships. Children see how their Grandparents conduct their friendships, interact with community members, treat shop assistants etc, and they copy that.
They belong:
Being heard and understood not only creates a solid bond, but helps to nurture the same kind of attentiveness in children. Grandparents generally have more time to invest in listening. And listening is a key part of communication. When children feel that their feelings and experiences matter, their self esteem grows. One on one time with a Grandparent can be a lifesaver.
They are offered Grace:
Often Children’s emotions are not an inconvenience or a challenge to Grandparents. While kids’ emotions might be snubbed or dismissed in the nuclear household because of a lack of energy or time or attention, Grandparents have the luxury of “emotional capacity”. This is not their first rodeo. They are often more patient and can help children unpack their feelings and help them express it more appropriately, without judgment.
They Problem-Solve:
One of the most important aspects of EQ is the ability to solve problems creatively. Grandparents have a lifetime of experience to help with this. When a child has the beautiful privilege to sit with a Grandparent and troubleshoot ideas to solve social problems, they are the lucky ones. Prof Louw does however warn Grandparents not to be the actual problem solver, but to act as a coach. “Help the child believe that they have the tools to find a solution themselves” he advises.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, Dr Gerdi vd Berg agrees that families should prioritize the Grandparent – Grandchild relationship. She quotes Gabor Maté’s book “Hold on to your kids” when she emphasizes the importance of healthy relationships with safe adults. The value of life experience is a gift Grandparents have exclusively. She does, however, warn that if a Grandparent’s life experience and past is still ‘broken’ or ‘unhealed’, the knowledge passed on to the Grandchildren might still be lacking. She urges Grandparents to heal from their own past and to invest in themselves just as much as they want to invest in their Grandchildren.
When Grandparents are mentally healthy and mature, their contribution to the next generation’s emotional wellbeing can be profound. While Parents remain the primary caretakers and decision makers and Grandparents need to respect that role, the extended family bonds can greatly benefit the children. A challenge Grandparents might face is that the culture of their children’s “new” family might differ from theirs, so healthy boundaries need to be set and respected. Every ‘new’ family is responsible for creating their own world of rules and values, and it can be quite an adjustment when the first Grandchild is born. Dr vd Berg believes the rhythm of the core family is key. When they have found that rhythm and make room for the Grandparents, magic can happen.
There is no perfect family of perfect Grandparent, but Dr vd Berg refers to a speech she recently heard to explain what a possible “perfect” relationship might look like: At the funeral of Billy Graham, his son’s eulogy included these words: “He was approachable, he was dependable and he was available.” If we are future oriented and we realize that the investment we make in our Grandchildren is a lifelong one, we will be inspired to nurture this relationship and make it a priority. The kind of Grandparents we are, influence what kind of Grandparent they will become. It is an intergenerational investment. Gerdi vd Berg encourages us to “love wisely”. Know when to stay silent and when to give advice.
But above all be approachable, dependable and available. Happy Grandparenting!
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The special bond between Grandparents and their Grandkids are like none other. While parents hussle and get stressed out by every day’s challenges, grandparents often have the time and the energy (and the wisdom!) to offer sound advice and invest in the development of children’s identity, confidence, and social skills.
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