It is not often we get the husband’s perspective of a divorce. YEI speaks to a divorcé about his experiences in his marriage breakdown, his divorce and his thoughts on life post-divorce
37 years of marriage – what brought the marriage to an end?
My wife has always been jealous of every female I ever encountered. Every female was a threat to our relationship and was looked at suspiciously. There were also quite a few incidents (as a result of comments made by my wife) over many years stemming from this jealousy which always led to embarrassment on my part (for my wife’s ridiculous behaviour) and inevitably led to a shouting match at home. I was never chatting to other people – I was trying to pick them up. I was not laughing or having an idle conversation, I was flirting with them. Messages (memes / jokes etc) received from friends were misinterpreted. I am an extrovert by nature – friendly and chatty with everyone from waiters and waitresses to street sweepers or beggars, friends, colleagues, family and anyone I meet. This led to much discontent. It eventually drove us apart. We were no longer friends. There was no relationship and no intimacy between us. It was like living with my sister … When she said she wanted to leave – I thought it was a good idea.
What, in your eyes, was the primary reason for the divorce?
Jealousy, mistrust, no relationship, no intimacy, no friendship anymore. Constant accusations of infidelity. I was accused of messing around with every female I encountered. It got very tiring trying to explain that she was wrong. Eventually I gave up trying to explain. I realised that she had a problem with her own self esteem and self confidence
How old were you both when you divorced?
I was 61 and she was 57 ..
How did your children react to your divorce?
We have 3 children who are now 39, 33 and 27 this year (so subtract 5 years in age). The children were rude, offish, distant and cold with me (and still are to a large extent). Everything was my fault.
Did you wait for the children to be older before you divorced?
Yes – I think this played a huge role.. although my youngest was writing exams when we divorced.
Was divorce a mutual decision?
It was my ex-wife’s decision. However, there was no pushback from me at all. I was of the view that the relationship had died many years before. There was little friendship and no intimacy for about 20 years prior.
Was divorce inevitable, or a sudden shock?
I think the decision was a bit surprising. I know a family member was instrumental in bringing this to a head. A family member who always interfered in our lives. However, in hindsight, the marriage could not have carried on for much longer. The children had left the nest. We had nothing in common any more, and most conversations were uncomfortable and tense.
Was there an incident that triggered the end of the marriage?
There was an incident with family friends – which I told her about. It was something I deeply regretted, but I was open and honest about it. However, I was never forgiven for it and fuelled the mistrust and accusations.
Did you take measures to “fix” the marriage?
Apparently it was purely my behaviour that was the reason for the issues in the marriage. I was always wrong. I was unfaithful. I did not treat the family well. There did not seem any point in going for counselling. In my view, both parties had contributed to our situation and there was no point in going for counselling unless we both took accountability.
How is your relationship now with your ex-wife?
We have no contact whatsoever.
How is your relationship with family friends?
I have cut ties with all of my ex-wife’s friends.
Do you have regrets?
I have no regrets about the divorce at all, although it has been a huge adjustment. I am not sorry about getting married as we did have many good years. I have excellent memories of holidays and children, despite the current situation with them. I know that with time, our relationship will improve.
How have you handled life, post-divorce?
I initially felt a bit lost but this was due to suddenly being completely alone. I was used to a houseful of people, and always having people around me when we were out and about. Now, I’m suddenly on my own. However, I am carrying on as normal and I do see the same friends that I have always seen.
Do you have any regrets on having lost a long-term companion?
No regrets whatsoever in terms of losing a long-term companion. I do think back and wonder if this was perhaps the worst investment I may have made, other than my children of course and memories.
How has this divorce impacted your children?
The children have been hugely impacted by this. Their centre of life has changed significantly and won’t easily be reinstated.
Do you have any advice to give others in a similar situation?
Decide whether you want to fix it or end it. Can you continue or not? If not, DO IT – you will survive. It’s just getting over the change that is the hardest for most people. Life does get better.
Did you hire an attorney?
Initially I sought advice from a friend who is a practicing lawyer. That was a big mistake. Very soon thereafter, I went to a divorce specialist. I should have done that from the beginning.
Have you thought about getting married again?
I’d love to, but it would have to be someone who complements my life, not complicates it. I would marry again in a heartbeat if I knew it was the right person. I’m also happy not to marry, but be together in a committed relationship. When I look back, and hindsight is all very well – my life priorities at 23 were very different to my life priorities now at the age of 67.
Author: Anonymous
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE – Gray Divorce, A disturbing trend, Part 1
